


Fear and (Self) Loathing

by scarletsaber (sushibunny)



Series: Makoharu Week 2016 [2]
Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Day 2, Fave Moment, Introspection, It's Meaningless Without You, M/M, MakoHaru Week 2016, Makoto Is Suffering, This Is Like The Least Angsty Of My Fave Moments And What Do I Do?, Turn It Into A Full On Angst Fest, nice., someone please help him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-19
Updated: 2016-09-19
Packaged: 2018-08-15 23:51:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8078602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sushibunny/pseuds/scarletsaber
Summary: The storm still continued around them as they sat hunched under the rocky outcropping, silence weighing heavily down on Makoto.The lack of conversation caused his mind to dwell on everything that had just happened; his paralyzing fear, his near drowning, his failure.But when Haru spoke up, breaking the quiet in an unusual bout of talkativeness, Makoto wasn't sure which was worse: his original negative thoughts or the ones that formed in response to Haru's concerned words.





	

**Author's Note:**

> My contribution to Makoharu Week 2016 Day 2: Fave Moment or (NSFW) First Time
> 
> (Check out all the great fanworks [HERE](http://makoharuweek2016.tumblr.com/)!)
> 
> This got SUPER angsty because I feel like Makoto really hides his emotions and feelings and then moments like this happen and he's left with a big ball of pain he doesn't really know how to deal with and I couldn't NOT share that with you ;)

The cold seemed to soak into his skin straight down to his bones, the rocky overhang he and Haru huddled under doing little to keep them dry as the rain continued to pour down around them. Though that was nothing compared to the chill that continuously ran through him as his mind went over and over what had just happened; what had almost happened…

Makoto stared at the wet sand in front of him, still unable to bring himself to look at the ocean, despite how close they were to the cresting waves, how loud it still was in his ears. He wasn’t sure he would ever stop hearing it; the sound of the surf crashing around him, trying to pull him into the dark depths, the deafening pounding of the rain falling down on him from above, making it seem like the water was attacking him from all sides, the choked gasps of Rei as he cried for help… And perhaps the loudest of all, the blood rushing in his ears as he froze in fear, unable to do anything.

He could feel his soaked bathing suit- heavy with salt water- weighing him down as he sat listlessly in the gritty sand, but it was as if he were noticing it second hand, like it wasn’t really him experiencing those things, like they were happening to someone else. He knew it should feel uncomfortable, he knew he should be worried for his health, sitting out in the cold rain after almost drowning. But all he could focus on were the abstract feelings of cold and wet. And the slight warmth of Haru sitting next to him.

“Have you calmed down?” Haru asked, finally breaking the heavy silence.

Which was odd, Makoto thought. Haru usually had no problem with silence; revelled in it, really, preferring it over loud and obnoxious chatter. But there he was, being the first to speak and coaxing Makoto into speaking too. What an odd twist to their normal routine.

“Mm.” He couldn’t bring himself to say more, or even look up at Haru. Makoto would probably find their complete switch in roles amusing if he weren’t… whatever he was.

He could feel Haru’s gaze burn into him before Haru turned away again. Makoto wasn’t sure if he should be feeling more guilt or relief at that, but all he truly felt was empty.

“You’re still scared of the ocean, aren’t you?”

It was phrased like a question, but Makoto knew it wasn’t one. Haru knew him well enough that he didn’t have to ask. Haru had _known_ the answer before they even agreed on this ill-fated training camp in the first place. Makoto should have listened to him then, and all the times after when Haru tried- in his own way- to give him an out, to tell Makoto what Makoto had already known deep down inside, despite how badly he had wanted to deny it; that Makoto was still afraid, would probably _always_ be afraid of the ocean.

“I thought I’d gotten over it.”

But he hadn’t. Makoto was nothing but a coward. And Haru knew it.

His gut churned at the thought. No, that wasn’t exactly fair. Haru would never call him a coward, even if Makoto knew it was true- even if Haru believed it himself. Haru would never say it outloud, he was too nice to do that, even if Makoto didn't deserve such a kindness.

Makoto’s eyes were downcast as he continued, unable to bear to look at Haru, to see the anger, the pity, the hate he would surely see there; deserved to see there. “But when I saw Rei drowning, I completely froze.”

 _Pathetic_.

His breath stuttered as he covered his face with a hand, closing his eyes, as if he could block out any of the unwanted yet completely true thoughts swirling inside his head.

“The memory of that day immediately surfaced,” Makoto rasped out, willing the tears he could feel pricking hot and heavy at his eyes not to fall. He didn’t deserve to cry, had no right to. After all the trouble he had caused, had put them through. Especially Haru. “Sorry I dragged you into this.”

It was a lame apology, not half of what Haru deserved, but it was all Makoto could muster. His gut twisted harshly again as he thought back to Haru having to swim out to save him, putting himself in danger for the sake of Makoto, and then having to drag him to shore, worry over his unconscious body. No, Makoto hadn’t deserved any of that. He wasn’t worth the trouble, especially not for Haru.

Makoto wasn’t worthy of Haru period.

“It’s not your fault.”

The soft words caught Makoto completely off guard. “But… I was the one who decided to hold a camp.”

He had had to agree to the trip. The team was counting on him. They needed the training and they couldn’t afford anything else. So Makoto had to be okay with it, had to ignore the clawing fear that was ever-present in the back of his mind. For them. He had to be selfless.

Or was it selfish of him? To need to be the one to make the trip happen, to spend time helping his teammates and friends. He had put them in danger- _Rei_ in danger- after all, all because he wanted to help, to be the one they could count on, their captain.

“And I chose to start the swim club.”

A coward like him had no business being a leader. He truly was a selfish person, allowing them to make him captain, put him in charge of the swim team when he could barely get in the water without a shiver of fearful anticipation crawling along his spine.

It really was all his fault. He was in charge, he had made the decision. It was his responsibility. He couldn’t imagine how Haru could think otherwise.

Even so…

Maybe it was the exhaustion from battling the storm, or a side effect from oxygen deprivation and almost drowning, Makoto wasn’t sure. But the next words that spilled from his lips were not ones he had ever meant to say. At least not out loud- not outside of his empty bedroom in the middle of the night, swathed in the safety of the dark- and certainly not where Haru could hear. “But that was because I wanted to swim with you again.”

And once he started he couldn’t seem to stop, words flowing from his mouth like the seawater had been not long ago. “I wanted to swim in a relay with everyone again.”

Why couldn’t he stop talking? He needed to stop talking. Before he said something he couldn’t take back, said something Haru would never forget or forgive, said something he didn’t deserve to say. Before he ruined things more than he already had.

“But…” Makoto looked down at his hand, watching it shake from a combination of adrenaline and fear as if it were someone else’s hand, as if he were just observing from outside the situation instead of being stuck inside of it. “If you’re not there…”

He clenched his fist, everything else suddenly falling away. The self-hatred, the fear, the desperation, the all-encompassing numbness; everything just washed away like the rain washed the salt water from his skin, and he was left with a moment of clarity.

Makoto raised his head, looking Haru in the eyes for the first time since they had taken shelter from the rain, since Haru had saved his life, and he finally, finally allowed himself to speak honestly, to say what he had always wanted to say, even if the words weren’t quite what he had always thought they would be.

“It’s meaningless without you!”

He watched Haru stare back, eyes dark in the night light but no less blue than ever. Makoto was struck with the thought that Haru’s eyes had always reminded him of the ocean, but not once had they been anything other than a source of relief and security. The sudden urge to explain, to make things clear to Haru, to describe in words he knew that Haru would understand welled up and Makoto knew he would never regret saying what he did next, no matter what happened after. He was selfish anyway, right?

“I want to swim with you!”

Haru’s eyes widened, a small gasp leaving his open lips as Makoto’s words- his _confession-_ registered. Makoto found he couldn’t look away, was trapped in Haru’s gaze. And Haru was looking at him, _really_ looking at him, for the first time in what felt like forever. And he was looking at Makoto how he looked at the water, eyes bright and shining, as if whatever he was seeing in Makoto’s own eyes made him want to dive right in.

And Makoto shared the sentiment, body moving to shift closer to Haru- to what end he wasn’t sure. Nor would he ever find out, because at that moment the spell between them was broken by Nagisa’s yell as he and Rei ran across the beach toward them, calling their names.

With one last surreptitious glance at Haru, who had turned towards their thankfully safe teammates, Makoto pushed everything down once more, letting the dull ache from before at the sight of Rei rise back to the surface, washing over his feelings towards Haru and his hopes of what might have been.

After all, seeing Rei and Nagisa again just reminded him that he was right before; he definitely wasn’t worthy of someone like Haru. How could he hope to be when he was afraid of the thing Haru loved the most?

**Author's Note:**

> If you'd like to throw me a prompt for Days 4-7 feel "Free!" (ba dum tss) ;)
> 
> tumblr- [misakis-saruhiko](http://misakis-saruhiko.tumblr.com/)


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